| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|01:02 pm] |
I've been worried about my future a lot lately. I haven't the vaguest idea what I want to be. I thought I had it all planned out, but I've been having doubts... I have Laura's mom's number, and I really need to call. I'm such a procrastinator when it comes to calling ppl. Calling her will help me a lot. Yet, I shy away from calling. I don't even like calling friends. I don't know. It just bothers me.
I just finished reading Paige's email, and I've realized some things. I've always had this conflict between wanting to do something great and having a wonderful family. I know you can have both, but I know that I wouldn't be able to do. When I get working, everything else around me doesn't matter. So that's what stopped me from being a doctor and put me on the psych track. But I'm still finding conflicts in this field. I can still strive to be the best in this field, and it can take over a great part of my life.
I'm not sure what I want to do, but I did realize something. I know that I can be great in anything I do academically. Every time I put my mind to something dealing with academics, I come out doing well. I've never failed in this field when I've tried hard.
Then there's family. I have failed a lot there. I can put more effort into my family and even come out worse than before. Maybe that's why I'm drawn so much to having a family, and a good one, b/c it's a challenge. It's something that I don't know if I can do, and I really want to do. I want this to be my main goal in life, having a good family, but then I feel like I'm not shooting high enough. Why have I tried so hard academically, just to put most of my energy into a family. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|12:31 am] |
|
wow, a lot has happened today. I'm not going to go into explaining what, yet, b/c I'm just not ready to. I'm sure everyone knows what that means anyway, which means I don't really need to explain. Today has been probably the busiest days I've had here in Ann Arbor, and ironically I spent every second of it in doors trying to escape from reality (meaning, catching up on my Greek mythology-i'm not taking the class, so I decided to read a book on it-and watching two movies-Assult on Presinct 13 and Queen of the Damned- I wouldn't have watched otherwise, but actually enjoying them b/c they did a good job of taking my mind off things). |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|12:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
I just have a sec to write, but I have to say that I'm extremely ecstatic right now! First b/c I made HP in Pom : ) Second b/c right now sitting next to me is ERIN!! : ) She made her way over to Spain, yay! And this weekend we're going to Madrid to visit with Jen. The three of us again. What fun! I'll write more when I don't have a friend sitting next to me ; )
Love,
Ashley |
|
|
| what a weekend |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|01:01 pm] |
Wow, so i have a craziest arqeology prof. ever. He had us meet at this park at 2am!! to take a bus for our MANDATORY trip to the coast (just to visit some museums!!). So, he basically sent us to central park in the middle of the night, in ECUADOR! Cant believe this guy. So, Im really nervous, and asking these guys in my class (theyre like the only ecuadorians in this class) if I can go to this park by myself and still come out alive at 2am! They know im scared, and this one guy, Daniel (tanis the one who always makes fun of me saying noooo, ¿recuerdas?), tells me that he was robbed at 3 in the afternoon there. Goes through this whole story, scares the heck out of me, and then tells me he was just kidding. Some joke! (thats the way ecuadorians are, they joke about everything!, which I tend to like, but not when Im scared!). So I end up meeting the guys at one of their houses to go to the park so that I dont get raped, shot, or robbed. We get there and all is well. Get on teh bus, but prof was actually there ON TIME (that hasnt happened all semester). Then we leave for the 10 hour trip to the coast! For breakfast, my professor wants us to eat at a hole in the wall, and I refused bc the last time I went with him on a trip (to Tena) I got really sick from where he made us eat. So I ate bread, thats basically all I ate all trip. While on this trip, all we did was see museums. Nothing really. He could have told us the same shit in class! OH well, this was basically our final, so Im hoping an A is coming my way. The first night we were there, there were no bars or clubs ( we stayed in Puerto Lopez, thats where I went when Tanis was here and we didnt find any night spots. I told my prof this but he refused to believe me till the same things happens to us. He admitted I was right ; ) ) So we end up buying liquor and throwing a party at the house in which we stayed. IT was pretty fun. So the day that we have to go home, the bus overheats along the way. We spent two hours at a gas station, just to find out that the bus still wasnt fixed when we left. So we had to take this other public bus back to Quito. All in all I spent 12 hours in a bus yesterday. Lots for fun, let me tell you! I better get an A from all the shit I went through!
Love,
Ashley |
|
|
| quicky |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|12:53 pm] |
Hey! So, i have like ten minutes to write, so this is going to be quick. This past week and this week have-will be very hectic. I had two papers due last week, so i was working a lot. My mom here was so cute, she was like you didnt go out this day this day this day etc, whats the matter, your so studious, so cute, no! She was like you need to go out and have fun. No more working ; ) Then on thur, my, as my mom here says, medioloco anth prof gave the class a take home test. I was all about the take home test till i realized its not a test, its a ten page research paper!! that i have to do with 3 other ppl!" and get this, we only have till thursday to do it (i think well get it pushed back but idk!) So i did some reserach in thelib, but theres nothing there, its like the size of my music lib at wellesley! And the topic is so narrow and technical. i could kill him! So thats this week, and im freaking out.
This weekend was alright. i cant really go into it now, but it was just más o menos for the most part, so highlights, but not many. I did get to see the real mitad del mundo so that was cool, and i got to see paige too! YAY, it had been a while. She did get mad at me though b-c i was supposed to meet her at seven am at the bus stop, but i slept through my alarm, so i didnt wake up till 8!!! Thats when the tour was supposed to be! She called me from the place and was really upset and said something like so this is the shape our friendship is in, but really this wasnt my fault and i think she realized that. i didnt purposely sleep through the clock and i did really wnat to see her. i had a great time seeing her too!
ok gtg. ill catch up more later!!
love,
ashley |
|
|
| continuing |
[Oct. 11th, 2004|08:58 am] |
Ahh, sorry for not funishing earlier, but its so hard to get internet when im not at school. Also, sorry neena and alyssa for not calling. The connection at this place was still bad yesterday. Alyssa, Im going to try to call you today, depends onthe connection. Neena, idk when im going to call you bc i have to call after five and its hard to do that bc it gets dark and when its dark its not safe to be a girl out alone in not the best part of town. Well see, ill have to convince someone to come with me.
So, continuing my story. Tanis was mad at me bc he thought i was moving quickly, but i really dont think i was. We were just friends who started liking each other. I dont know how else to explain it.
What else did we talk about, oh yeah, do we still have the chance of getting back together. I wanted to know if he was still leaving the topic open. It seems like he just wants to move on, but Im notpositive about his thoughts. He still has feelingsfor me and he knows that I still have feelings for him. I explained to him that im not in love with him, but he seemed to not understand that. When i told him that b4 he thought i was confused, he said, but i wasnt confused. I know im not in love with him. I care for him a lot,but thats not love. im not sure if he loves me, i think its a no, but he didnt say anything explicitly. He said yeah there may be hope in the future, but definitely not till i get back to boston, which i totally agree with. I dont think that we can develop/fix anything while we are so far apart. This is where him coming to Ecuador all comes in. He has a ticket to come here for 11 days or so around Thanksgiving. now,i want him to come,but i think it will cause way too many problems, and that it will just be a big mistake. Hes with Melissa, Im with Luis, then we see each other and he stays at my house,that could just lead to a lot of problems,or it could be great. It could really go either way. idk, i guess it really dependson if he can change his ticket or not. Hes going to try to change it to go to Mexico, but i just dont know if thats possible. The way he told me all this though really hurt.I cantremember exactly what he said,but it wasnt very nice. He also said that ifhe comes to ecuador, hell just make friends here and not hang out with me. That sounds really rude and childish to me. What,he cant hang out with me and just be friends. i dont thinkwell have aproblem being nice to each other and hanging out.Well, at least i know that i wont have a problem.
One thing that hes really hung up on thats going to determine whether or not anything will ever work out, is how sexually attracted i am to him in comparison to luis Now i really didnt understand this for a while, but then in my sexuality and attraction class we talked about jealousy. Guys tend to be more jealous of girls when the fool around/are sexually attracted to someone. girls are more jealous of guys who form emotional relationships with other girls. So i guess i understand it more now, bc i was thinking, shouldnt he be more worried about how i feel emotionally than sexually? I dont know how to explain my sexual attraction. Im sexually attracted to both (hence one problem with tanis coming,what if i want to do something,i know it would never happen, tanis and i wouldnt do that to someone else,but its hard to have that tension). I think im attracted equally to both of them. I just didnt want to fool around with tanis all the time bc well its all the time,i couldnt take it, i need some distance to make me want to fool around. With luis i dont have thatproblem bc we really hardly ever see each other. Our sechedules suck.
I think thats it. im sure im forgetting something,but youre probably getting sick of listening to this now,so ill change the subject i guess.
Did i talk about Tena (the rain forest)? I dont think i did. That was alot of fun. I went with my anthropolgy class and Jen and Erin cametoo. Jens in a different class with my prof and she had to go but erin just came to have fun. We stayed in this really nice hostal. There were bugs,but thats to be expected in the rain forest,and they werent bad. I didnt get one bug bite (but that could be due to the fact that i was covered in bug repellent). The first night there was pretty interesting bc we went out to have drinks (with my prof!) then we went dancing(with my prof!) I danced with my 35 yr old prof.Not really dancing,but you know,like social being nice dancing. I had a lot of fun though. I ordered a Piña Colada, and i hated it. Horrible, let me tell you. I took two sips then gave it to someone else. I did have a good malt drink,thoguh,its called Cristal,and the type i like is sour apple. Pretty good,and i dont get tipsy or anything,which makes me happy bc i dont really like that feeling. OH neena,something that will make you happy, i do like one hard drink,vodka and tonic, but i dont get tipsy off of it bc i drink slowly, so i guess youll never getme drunk ; ) The only thing i have a really low tolerance to is white wine,i can drink as slowly as iwant,but imstill goingto get tipsy.
So the next day we went canoeing on the Rio Napo. That was just amazing. Extremely gorgeous. It wasnt canoeing canoeing though. we were in a really long canoe that fits like 18 ppl, andtheir was a guy in the backwith the motor steering us. Very realazing and lots for fun. Wewent to an animal perserve,nad i must have seen like 5 or so different types of monkeys. So cute. Also, i say my favorite bird, the macaw. Wow!! There were tons of other animals,too. I saw the biggest rodent in the world. that was interesting. most ofthe animalswerein cages though b-c the place is for animals that were mistreated and their trying to reintroduce them into the wild.At the next place we went to, I held an anaconda around my next. I cant wait to show you guys the pic of that.I was so nervous! After all that we went back to the town,ate,then the girls and i just hung out in our rooms and talked.I really love these girls. We get along really well,and its just almost like hanging out with Neena and Alyssa. Nothing can ever be like that bc of our history and just closeness,but its just really easy totalk and relate to these girls. Also they love to travel,so we have a great time going around ecuador.
So lets see what happened this weekend. On friday, I was outlooking for a DVD of this book im reading right now,The name of a rose. Im not exactly sure whats going on in the book bc we have to read like 70-90 pgs per class of this really small text that is writen as if it were mideavil. Its not easy.So i got the movie,for $3.50!! Just like a normal DVD, just its bootlegged. Since it was so cheap, i also bought Casablanca,one of the best movies ever!, and Troy. Ive really wanted to see that and i figured its costs the same to rent it so why not! I also bought Fight Club for Luis,its one of his favorite movies and he doesnt own it, and he really really wanted it, so i figured why not. Next, I went to this artisan fair thats always open. That wasfun,but it was a lot of the same stuff thats in Otovalo (the indian market i went to a while back) but the prices were higher than otovalo and it was harder to bargain with them.
On saturday, I went to the mall with Jen,Erin,Roberto, and Luis. It was interesting to go with these guys b-c they like shopping. They wanted to pick things out for us and always wanted to critique.The funny part was that they were honest. I love when ppl are honest when youre buying things b-c it sucks to get home and everyone thinks you look like shit. So that was a lot of fun. Then we watched Fight Club. I didnt really want to see it,but everyone else did,so we did. It was ok,I kind of expected the ending b-c ive read a book like that b4. i guess im glad I saw it,but its not something i would want to see again. That night,Jen and Erin spent the night at my house. That was so much fun ( kind of like our sleepovers, neena and alyssa). We stayed up really late talking and laughnig. Oh one thing was just so funny. Erins sleeping with this guy Juan,and he turns to her and says youre my first time. She was like, Juan,I know you have a kid. He waslike oh,my second. LOL what an idiot. We had a good laugh about that though!
On sunday,we went to a market thats open every sunday in quito. I bought thi gorgeous painting. Its called los amantes, and its a replica of this famous ecuadorian artist. I cant describe the passion in this paiting. Its two ppl,man and woman,and theyre embracing one another. Their bodies are naked and pressed up against each other. The best part is that its not sexual, you cant see any parts, but its passionate. It just makes you want to make love. The emotions are so strong. Its like theyve been longing for one anothers touch for ages, and finally,they can embrace.Oh,breathtaking!
Ok, so i have class now. (so the reason i could write now is b-c my anth prof just didnt show up,the second time hes done that so far,whatever no biggie).
Love,
Ashley |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|11:00 am] |
Hey!! Sorry it has been so long since i've written. Itś been a busy week. Also sorry about the apostrophes, damn this spanish key boards : P So everything is going great here. I'm really excited about this weekend. Im going to my guy frineds'hacienda!! Itś erins bday this friday, so were going to get some wine/champaign (thats for me) and whateverelse hard stuff the guys want and a bday cake for her and just hang out together in the moutains. I think they have some horses, so Im really looking forward to riding since i havent done it in so long! Thereś also a mountin there that we can climb up and look down on the clods. So cool!!
So yesterday was a very interesting day. I had to buy a tape recorder for my psych class b-c i have to interview ppl about their thoughts on sexuality, premarital relations, extra martial relations, homosexuality, and masturbation. You can even imagine how nervous I was to have to walk up to ppl ages 7 (yes 7!!!) to 90 in LATIN AMERICA and talk about this stuff. So i got the recorder, which cost $60!!! itś a piece of crap too!! theyŕe like $15 in the US and I have one already at home!! THen i went through the mall and randomly begged ppl to answer. I had one of my guy friends, Luis (nickname Lucho) go with me b-c i just couldnt do that by myself. He was really sweet about it, though he kept saying, you cant ask these types of questions here, your prof is crazy. He actualy wanted me to just not do the paper at all b-c he said you cant talk about this stuff here. I must say i was pretty productive, though. I did talk to a 7 and 10 year old, who said no sé to everything. I talked to some chilenos who said that extramarital relations were just fine!! Couldnt believe that. Some ppl refused to talk to me. that was fun. Then there was some perve who was like 50 who said extra marital relations are fine if the person is as pretty as me. Now ethically its not right, but when sheś as pretty as you you cant help it!!! Now, during the interviews i usally just smile and nod b-c im going to go back and listen to them later, so i didnt realize he was saying this at all. It wasnt until afterwards that luis was like i cant believe what that guy was saying. I was so embarrased for not listening!!!! So yeah, that was just an experience I guess. Im happy i did it b-c i think its good that ppl are being asked these questions. Sex is not some taboo subject and no one should feel ashamed to talk about it. Also im learning a lot about the culture.
Tanis and i talked on Sunday, and the convo went surprisingly well. We had a normal friend convo then later he asked me what i thought about things with us. I said that i just wanted to be friends now b-c i dont know my feelings for him and that no im really not doing this b-c i want my freedom. Thats just a side effect. I wasnt thinking about that when I decided that we should be friends. Now that i do think about it, maybe getting to know someone else would be good b-c it will teach me about myself and how i do feel for him. Im not sure. As of now i dont have to worry about that anyway b-c i m friends with the guys here and nothing more. I told him that i really want him to come visit me in ecuador bc yes itś going to be 'test' but how else will we be able to tell if we should be together. Also, i think wed have a really good time traveling aroud and seeing ecuador. I also said that if he comes here and im with someone and i fall for him again that ill go with him, no question. I just need to know for sure that we are right for each other. I also asked him to tell me if he dates anyone else, and he asked the same for me its really hard to think about that, but i guess thats what happens when your friends. as of now i dont think i could be happy for him if he were with someone else, and it would probably hurt me a lot, but thats really not in my control. i think we just both need this time to explore ourselves right not, and we can figure things out in november. I read his livejouranl, and im glad to hear that hes happy. its weird toar that hes basically over me already, but i think thats b-c of all the problems we have been having, and it just shows to verify my decision more. we just really need this time to be friends.
ok i gtg b-c i have one of my favorite classes right not, theories of leadership. (also, the reason i have this free time right now is b-c my prof form anthropology just never showed up, the culture is so weird here! but im warming up to it!).
I love you all!
Ashley |
|
|
| ? |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|12:51 pm] |
Well, this time in Ecuador has been really hard on me with my relationship with Tanis. I only have ten min to write down everything i want to say, so sorry if this is rushed or makes no sense. Basically, since I've been here I haven't felt the same way about Tanis as I used to. Now I know that's natural with distance, but this was extreme. I really think that when he broke up with me he just broke my heart completely, and it just can't be fixed, or if it can be fixed, it won't work while I'm here. idk He seems to think that I did this b/c I want my freedom here or that I'm holding a grudge. Both couldn't be further from the truth. I have guy FRIENDS here, but I don't want to be with them. They're just friends, and some of the first guy friends that I've ever really had. I really like hanging out with them as FRIENDS, and nothing more. Also, I'm not holding a grudge. After we got back together, I was fine with everything. I wasn't angry anymore. I don't really know what to say. He has a ticket to come in November, and I don't know what to do about that. I would like him to come, but he's right, it would be like a test, so maybe he shouldn't b/c that wouldn't be natural, idk...
~Ashley |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
a_g7884's journal